


im so sorry

by jirongiex (chinasaur)



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Established Relationship, Growing Up, M/M, More tags to be added, i'll probably end up editing the tags, small town, tomorrow today vibe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-01-12 01:44:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18436457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chinasaur/pseuds/jirongiex
Summary: Jinyoung and Jaebum have always imagined that they'd end up starting a life together. However, Jaebum ruins that fantasy when he decided to go to college in the big city, leaving Jinyoung behind in their small town.or a piece of angst where Jinyoung and Jaebum had always been part of a duo, but they realize they need to understand who they are as individuals





	1. Chapter 1

 

The sun was setting, casting a pink glow on the faces of the two boys laying together in the bed of the truck. Jinyoung and Jaebum were trying to enjoy the most of their Sunday, before Monday came again. It’s hard to find a moments for just the two of them, so it’s kinda become their thing.

 

Laying together in the back of Jaebum’s truck until the sun sets, and it gets too cold to stay out.

 

This started ever since Jaebum got this truck when he got his license. Even before Jaebum was legally allowed to drive other people (it took a lot of convincing on Jaebum’s part to even get Jinyoung to step foot in the car), they would drive to this secluded spot, their spot, and just be with each other.

 

Jinyoung looks over and sees that colors of the sunset reflect on Jaebum’s face. It’s breathtaking. Jinyoung wants to see this sight everyday; spend the rest of his life in Jaebum’s arms.

 

Sometimes they talk about it. Jinyoung has made it very clear that he wants to start a life with Jaebum. Jaebum has never disagreed with this, though he’s never showed the same excitement as Jinyoung.

 

Really, how could he? It’s always been Jinyoung’s dream to have a house with his own family. He can’t wait until he could raise his own family and start a life with someone he loves. And, to Jaebum, it doesn’t sound that bad if it’s with Jinyoung.

 

“Less than 2 months until my graduation,” Jaebum says, not with any real purpose, it just slips out.

 

Jinyoung sighs and snuggles closer to Jaebum and asks, “Have you decided what college you’re going to go to?”

 

“Let’s not think about that right now.” Jaebum knows that’s not what Jinyoung wants to hear. They’ve had this talk many times. Jaebum is a year ahead of Jinyoung in school, so they've been thinking about what Jaebum's graduation meant for them.

 

“Jaebum, graduation is so close. You should start trying to make your decision,” Jinyoung says to Jaebum. Jinyoung’s worried that Jaebum’s going to wait too long until it’s too late. “You know I’ll be there for you no matter what, right?”

 

“Of course. I love you,” Jaebum says as he goes to hold Jinyoung’s hand. He knows that Jinyoung will follow him wherever he goes, but Jaebum doesn’t know if that’s what he wants. He’s not sure what he wants.

 

Jaebum actually has thought about his future. A lot. He knows what Jinyoung wants: to go to a local college and to start a family. But is that what Jaebum wants?

 

“I love you, too. I’m just worried,” Jinyoung responds.

 

What Jinyoung doesn’t know is that Jaebum’s been considering colleges far away. That he applied and got accepted into a college that is miles away and didn’t tell anyone. That he’s been looking in majoring in subjects that would take him away from this small town. Away from Jinyoung. That he’s been think about how he should tell him. If he should even tell him.

 

Jaebum doesn’t want to lose the love of his life, but, besides Jinyoung, there’s nothing left here for him.

 

* * *

 

“Thanks for dropping me off,” Jinyoung says as Jaebum pulls up to his house. “I love you,” and then he leans over the console to kiss Jaebum.

 

“See you tomorrow at school,” Jaebum says to Jinyoung as Jinyoung gets out of the car.

 

Once Jaebum gets back to his house, he goes straight to his room. Graduation seems like it keeps getting closer and closer, that also means that the future is getting closer and closer.

 

Jaebum is terrified. Terrified of the choices he needs to make. Actually, he’s not having trouble deciding which option to choice. He’s always known which choice would be the best for him… and that’s the scary part.

 

He knows that what he wants, what he’s always secretly wanted, is to leave. To follow his dream away from here. Find happiness in a bigger city, producing music.

 

But it’s safer to just stay here. Stay in a town where he already knows his way around. If he stays here, he avoids the possibility of failure. There’s no uncertainty of his future here. He’d settle down with Jinyoung.

 

Jinyoung. Jaebum truly does love Jinyoung. He’s has always been there with him, and he can’t imagine what his life would be like without Jinyoung. It’s always been the two of them. Jaebum and Jinyoung. Jinyoung and Jaebum. It makes since that it’d be like that after graduation, too.

 

Jinyoung and Jaebum. Living in a small house together. Jinyoung will probably a preschool teacher. He’ll come home happy from a day of watching kids that Jinyoung just loves so much. Jaebum... Jaebum doesn’t know what he’ll be doing. Doesn’t know what would make him happy. At lease here.

 

And that’s why Jaebum’s so scared. He knows what choice to make.

 

Sometimes Jaebum thinks about asking Jinyoung about it, if Jinyoung would be willing to move with him. But Jinyoung has always seemed so content here. Jinyoung is comfortable here, and Jaebum already knows.

 

Deep in his heart, Jaebum knows that he can’t ask Jinyoung to throw away his dream for him, just like Jaebum can’t throw away his dream for Jinyoung.

 

* * *

 

Morning comes way too early. Jaebum spent most of his night thinking about his future, a habit he recently required, and it took a while until his mind calmed down enough for him to sleep. But it’s now 6 a.m., and the lack of sleep really hits him.

 

However, Jaebum does make it to school on time. Lucky for him, he’s always had a more casual style, so he threw on some a big t-shirt and some sweatpants, and he was good to go,

 

He walked into school and met up with Jinyoung where he normally does.

 

Jinyoung smiles when he spots Jaebum. “Good morning,” he smiles, his eyes crinkle up in the cutest of ways.

 

“Good morning to you,” Jaebum says back as he kisses Jinyoung. “How are you feeling?”

 

“I’m really nervous for my English test. I just have this fear that everything I’ve read will just escape my brain as soon as I see the questions”

 

“You’ll be fine. I believe in you,” Jaebum says as he grabs Jinyoung’s hand to give it a reassuring squeeze.

 

“I love you. I’ll see you at lunch, yeah?”

 

“Of course. Love you too.” Jinyoung gave Jaebum a final peck before he  walked to class while Jaebum walked to his locker. Him and Jinyoung don’t really have any classes together because they are in different grades, but they’ve made it a point to see each other at school the most that they can.

 

Jaebum is at his locker when Mark and Jackson walk up to him. Mark and Jackson are in his same grade, and, after Jinyoung, they’re both his best friends. Again, being in such a small town, they’ve all been in the same classes since kindergarten. At least Mark and Jaebum were; Jackson didn’t move here from China until 5rd grade. Mark is from America, but he moved here at a younger age.

 

“You look like shit,” Jackson says when he sees Jaebum. Mark hits Jackson on his arm

 

“You look normal,” Mark tries to reassure him.

 

“Yeah, which is like shit,” Mark hits Jackson again.

 

“Wow, thanks,” Jaebum says, closing his locker after taking out his Econ notebook.

 

“I’m just joking. You look chic and sexy as always.” Jaebum just rolls his eyes, and him, Mark, and Jackson start heading to their Econ class.

 

“You do look tired though,” Mark notices.

 

“Oh yeah. I stayed up late thinking about graduation”

 

Mark just groans. “Don’t get me started. All my life, I had always been so excited to graduate, but now that it’s so close, I don’t think I’m ready”

 

They finally reach their classroom and take their seats which are next to each other, but they still have a few minutes until class starts, so they continue talking. “Jinyoung and I were talking about it last night, but have you guys decided on where you guys are going to college?”

 

“I’m still planning on going to a university back in China, but i’m just not sure on which on. I’m leaning more towards the one in Hong Kong since it’s where I grew up,” Jackson responds. Jackson’s parents moved here when Jackson was 10, but the rest of Jackson’s family still lives in Hong Kong, so Jackson decided that he’d like to go to college there.

 

“I don’t know what choice will be best for me in the long run. How do you assure yourself that you are making the right choice?”

 

“Well,” Jackson pauses to think, “I’m not. I just want to go out and find what’s right for me, and I think I the best way for me to do that is to go out and experience different things to find what sticks. And I miss Hong Kong, and I think it’ll be a fun to study there for a few years. Like, that right thing is out there for me, I just look for it and find out what it’s not.”

 

_huh._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first post, so might be a bit clumsy. I know where I want this to go, but I'm not sure how to actually get there so wish me luck, and I hope you enjoy. Feedback is very welcomed!
> 
> Please follow me on twitter @jirongiex where I'll probably post updates or polls. I also have other social media aus on there, and feel free to become mutuals bc i fr need them (like really. let's be bffs)


	2. Chapter 2

Jaebum is really doing it. 

 

He’s going to Seoul to study music.

 

There is less than a month until graduation, but most of the arrangements have been made. He talked to his parents about it, and they were actually really supportive. 

 

The only thing he hasn’t done is tell Jinyoung. 

 

Looking back on it, Jaebum was very scared to admit his true wants to himself, but, now, that pales in comparison to the fear he has admitting it to Jinyoung. That is a big reason Jaebum hasn’t told him, yet.

 

Jinyoung is the thing that is holding Jaebum back. Jaebum wants to go out and explore, but Jinyoung--he’s here. 

 

But Jaebum made his choice, and sadly, that means leaving Jinyoung.

 

And it’s not like Jaebum hasn’t tried telling Jinyoung, but he’s never been able to go through with it. Sometimes, he really thinks that he will tell him, but then he realises how much this will change everything. 

 

It’s always been the two of them: Jaebum and Jinyoung. Jinyoung and Jaebum. But with Jaebum leaving, it will become

 

Jinyoung 

  
  
  
  
  


And Jaebum.

 

And Jaebum doesn’t really like the way that makes him feel.

* * *

 

It happens when they were working on school work in Jaebum’s room.

 

Jaebum was assigned a paper in his English class. Even though it’s close to gradation, and all the seniors are busy with post-high school plans and finals, but it’s fine.

 

Jinyoung actually doesn’t have any homework, so he’s lying down reading a book. Even though he doesn’t have any homework, he has always enjoys just being with Jaebum. It’s also helpful that Jinyoung helps Jaebum with his papers since he’s better at grammar. 

 

They were in peaceful silence, but Jaebum couldn’t keep it in anymore. Telling Jinyoung has been weighing on his mind, and just needs to get it over with. And now is as good a time as ever.

 

“I’ve decided where I’m going to go to college,” Jaebum says, breaking the silence. He holds his breath.

 

Jinyoung looks up from his book. “Really?”

 

Jaebum takes a deep breath. “Uh, yeah. I’m going to Seoul an-”

 

“What?” Jinyoung cut Jaebum off. His voice wasn’t loud or angry but confused and hurt. This was a shock to Jinyoung. “You never mentioned that you wanted to go there, that you wanted to go so far away.” 

 

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but I didn’t know how to bring it up.” Jaebum said very quietly. He kept his head lowered; he can’t bare looking Jinyoung in the eyes. “And I got got accepted to a college there, so I’m moving there for the start of the new school year”

 

“How could you not care to tell me? This is something that affects  _ our  _ relationship, so we should have talked about this  _ together. _ ” Jinyoung’s voice has started getting louder. He can’t believe Jaebum, his boyfriend, his best friend, kept this from him. 

 

Jaebum finally looks up at Jinyoung and immediately regrets it. Jinyoung just looks so lost, and Jaebum can’t believe that he caused this. But he knows that this has to be done. “I’m so sorry for not telling you, I am. But I knew that you wouldn’t like it, and I didn’t want to ruin anything”

 

“So you really of me as something that was holding you back? I would support you no matter what, and I can’t believe you think anything differently,” Jinyoung’s world has been turned upside down. Jaebum really kept his dreams secret because he thought Jinyoung would shut them down. He thought Jinyoung  would be that cruel. “At least if you talked about it with me, we could figure it out together. We could talk about what this would mean for us, how we would make this long distance thing work”

 

“Well, that’s the thing,” Jaebum feels like he’s going to throw up. “I was thinking, maybe it’s better if we didn’t do long distance, y’know. I just… don’t think either of us will be happy with it. We wouldn’t be giving each other what we want.” 

 

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t want to do date me?” Jinyoung looks like he’s or the verge of tears, but he won’t let himself cry. 

 

Jaebum doesn’t know what else to do other than go and try to comfort him.“Baby, you don’t understand. It’s not like that-” But Jinyoung moves away from him. 

 

“No. I don’t understand. Because you didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about this and ask how I feel about this,” Jinyoung states. Jinyoung isn’t hysterical or crying. He’s cold, and his tone sends chills down shivers down Jaebum’s spine. 

 

“I… I’m going to Seoul in a few months, Jinyoung.” Jaebum doesn’t know what else to say. The weight that had been on his shoulders for the past couple of months has now lifted, but it’s replaced by a new, heavier weight, this time, in is heart. 

 

“So, is this it for us?” The thought hurts both of them. Sure, Jaebum isn’t leaving until after graduation, but Jinyoung knows it can’t go back like it was before. Tomorrow, when they go to school, they can’t meet up and pretend like everything is fine, like they’re not going to break up. “I think I’m going to go,” Jinyoung says as he starts to get up.

 

“Wait” Jaebum goes to stand up to go after him. “Can we talk about this?”

 

“You had your chance to talk about this.” Jinyoung says right before he walks out the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "thank you" came on while i was wring the break up song, and when Jinyoung sung "so i'm so sorry" and i starting crying at starbucks 
> 
> just a warning, this isn't going to be jjp aren't going to be a real lovey-dovey relationship bc i've realized i suck at writing that. i'm going to focus more on the emotional side of their relationship, so sorry.
> 
> twitter: @jirongiex
> 
> http://curiuscat.me/jirongiex


	3. Chapter 3

An out of body experience. 

 

That’s what Jinyoung would classify the last two weeks as. Never, in his 17 years of life has he ever felt this out of place. Walking the halls without Jaebum by his side feels like losing a limb. Especially considering every other student looks at him with pity and confusion in their eyes. 

 

To his knowledge, no one else knows what is going in between Jaebum and Jinyoung. The air around Jinyoung is always heavy, everyone noticing the obvious change, but no one wants to ask him about it. 

 

After his last interaction with Jaebum, Jinyoung has had time to process all this information. He definitely still feels betrayed. But deep inside, he knows nothing will change. In a way, Jinyoung doesn’t want to change. 

 

Yes, he would love to stay with Jaebum, but he also doesn’t want to be remembered at the person who held Jaebum back. Even if Jinyoung convinced Jaebum to stay with him, Jaebum will always think ‘ _ what would my life have been if I pursued my dream? If I didn’t stay with jinyoung, would I be happier?’ _

 

And Jinyoung doesn’t want that. As much as he hates to admit it, he needs to move on and be supportive of Jaebum. When Jaebum looks back on his life, Jinyoung wants the memory of him to make Jaebum smile, for his name to be associated with only happy memories.

 

When Jaebum finally leaves him, he wants them to be on good terms. 

 

* * *

 

 

I turns out to be harder to talk to Jaebum than Jinyoung actually intended. It seems that their worlds went from being intertwined to never touching. Being near the end of the school year seems to play a huge role. Since Jaebum is a senior, he takes his finals early, so it seems that he is busy in his own world, with studying for finals, graduation rehearsals, and making sure all loose ends are being tied up with paperwork and such. 

 

Jinyoung's schedule is not too free either since the end of junior year has many honors baquets, planning next year’s schedule, and all his classes cramping every piece of information in at the last moment that they didn’t have time to teach earlier. 

 

However, Jinyoung must admit that he hasn’t gone too far out of his way to meet up with Jaebum. Part of Jinyoung wants to put it off to avoid the acquired situation. 

 

Before he knows it, it has now become three weeks since Jinyoung has talked to Jaebum, and there is only two weeks of school left before Jaebum graduation. Sure, Jaebum will still be in town this summer, but, Jinyoung doesn’t see them finding a time to interact during that time. This graduation will mark the end of an era, the official goodbye to the high school sweethearts, Jinyoung and Jaebum.

 

_ Maybe this is fate. _

 

* * *

 

Fate seems to love fucking with Jinyoung because, later that day, Jinyoung spots Jaebum. Jinyoung was late heading out of class because Jinyoung had to stay back to ask his physics teachers some questions about the study guide. By the time he got out of class, most of the students were cleared out of the hallways, so Jinyoung was surprised to find Jaebum just standing by his locker. Jinyoung thinks that this is fate’s way of saying ‘ _ bitch you thought.’ _

 

It’s now or never. 

 

The walk to Jaebum’s locker felt like walking to death’s door. It’s a walk Jinyoung has made hundreds of times before with a light heart and a bright smile. Now, Jinyoung is about to turn the other way and quickly make a U-turn in another direction. 

 

Because, really, after three weeks, Jinyoung has learned to live with this Jaebum sized hole. The hole is still noticeable, but less fresh and less painful. Filling that whole and then quickly tearing it out again my just rip the wound open again. 

 

Before Jinyoung could change directions, Jaebum had already spotted him. When their eyes meet, they just stare at each other. Jaebum wants, no  _ needs _ to talk to Jinyoung, and before he knows it, Jaebum has closed his locker and made his way over to Jinyoung. 

 

“Hey. Can we talk?” Jaebum asks Jinyoung gently. 

 

“Umm…” Jinyoung’s eyes look everywhere: the floor, the lockers, _ wow, when did that light go out? I wonder if they are going to replace it before the end of the school year or if they are going to wait until this summer?  _

 

“Please?”

 

Jinyoung has always been weak to Jaebum’s soft voice, so it’s only natural when a soft “yeah. of course” escapes his lips. He notices that all the students who have not left yet are staring at them. This is the first time that Jinyoung and Jaebum have been seen with each other in 3 weeks, and other students want to know why. “Can we go somewhere more private?” Jinyoung asks while eyeing all the other students. Jaebum quickly catches on and leads Jinyoung out to his car. 

 

They finally reach Jaebum’s truck, and get it. There is so much tension in the air, and Jinyoung doesn’t know how to make it evaporate. Jaebum’s in the driver’s seat while Jinyoung in the passenger's seat. The car remains unearthed as they both sit and face straight ahead, suddenly turning their heads to look at each other from time to time. 

 

After probably a minute of silence, Jinyoung finally speaks up. “I’m glad you were still here at school. I’ve actually been wanting to talk to you, but I just never found a good time.” 

 

“Uh, yeah. I really wanted to talk to you, too.” Jaebum looks over to Jinyoung, making eye contact. “I didn’t want us to end on bad terms”

 

“Me neither,” Jinyoung agrees as his eyes soften a bit. “And I’m sorry for acting out like I did. I mean, it hurt because it felt like you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about this. It made me feel like a bad boyfriend, or even just a bad friend, since I didn’t know this big part of you. But I’ll support you no matter what, and I’m sorry if you ever doubted that.” 

 

Jaebum smiles back at Jinyoung, and the warmth between them is back, Jinyoung feels whole again. “I’m sorry, too. I was afraid of your reaction, but I know it would’ve been better to talk this out with you instead of just throwing the information at you randomly. And I do trust you. I was just so afraid of hurting you, that I tried to keep the information from you for as long as possible, but that just ended up making it worse.”

 

“I know that you’ll be moving soon, but can we go back to at least being best friends?” Jinyoung asks, hopefully.

 

“Of course. I was getting pretty loney. And I really want to spend my last month hanging out like we used to. So when I remember this place, I can remember how we always were.” 

 

And just like that, some air must’ve been stolen from the inside truck because Jinyoung isn’t intaking breath normally anymore. However this time, it isn’t as predominant as it has been the past few weeks. It wouldn’t have been noticeable if Jinyoung didn’t have those few minutes of easiness, when all the weight was lifted, and he forgot about Jaebum's approaching departure. Jaebum’s journey that won’t end with him returning home to Jinyoung. 

 

And Jinyoung doesn’t know how to deal with that. Even though they haven’t spoken in a while, Jaebum was still  _ there. _ And even though they were not in contact, Jaebum was still in reach. 

 

Maybe Jinyoung shouldn’t be so eager to go back to normal. Maybe Jinyoung should keep some of the distance between him and Jaebum to prepare himself for Jaebum’s absence. 

 

But Jinyoung is selfish, and he wants to spend as much time with Jaebum as he can, pretending everything is alright. He wants to spend the last few weeks feeling the comfort of being by Jaebum’s side, where he always imagined he’d stay. 

 

Jinyoung thinks it’s worth it-- to let his dream last a little bit longer, even if it’s bound to fade away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I took my a long time to update, but I'm finally done with finals, so I hope to get back to working on this along with the Twitter AUs I have! 
> 
> Also, stream Eclipse :)
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/jirongiex)   
>  [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/jirongiex)


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